Going Beyond Pride: A Renewal of Marriage Vows Ceremony Open to All

How does a parish go beyond participating in Pride events and show that its welcome to the LGBTQ+ community is real — and not just lip service? At St. John the Baptist Episcopal Church in Lodi, California, we decided to invite all married couples in the community to join us for a mass Renewal of Marriage Vows. The fliers and social media invitations explicitly stated that gay, straight, lesbian, trans, queer, and Two-Spirit married couples were welcome to attend and join in reaffirming their vows together.

On the afternoon of Saturday, July 8, 2023, six couples joined in an amazing ceremony. They were all from our parish — but the seeds that were sown in the community along the way went much further.

There was the unmarried young woman at Pride who burst into tears at the thought that a church could be so welcoming. There was the clerk at the store where we bought decorations who said, “That’s incredible — I’m going to tell all my friends.” There were city leaders who publicized the event through their own social media feeds, unasked. And that’s a small sample. We’re already planning to do it again.

Getting started

When I came up with the idea, I assumed similar ceremonies had been done before and that we could rely on existing models. Extensive searching and networking didn’t turn up a single report of one. Since the Episcopal Church has guidelines for marriages and blessings but nothing specifically governing a community renewal of vows open to all married couples, we started by clearing the idea with Bishop Rice of the Episcopal Diocese of San Joaquin — and received his enthusiastic approval before diving into planning.

Things to think about

• People won’t commit in advance. You probably won’t know how many will be attending until a few days before, if then. Plan for flexibility in your logistics.
• Start publicity at least a month ahead. Use every channel: social media, NextDoor, MeetUp, WhatsApp, community event calendars. Ask local LGBTQ+ centers and community groups to help get the word out.
• Expect the unexpected. “We aren’t married yet — can we get married at the same time?” (No, but maybe next year with enough advance planning.) “Can we bring our small, elderly dog who can’t be left home alone?” (Sure.) “Are children welcome?” (Plan for them from the beginning.)
• Think about accessibility. What if a participant can’t stand during the vows? What if one spouse is housebound or hospitalized — can they participate remotely? What if a family member needs sign language translation or doesn’t speak English?
• Plan alternate logistics. Where will couples stand if only a handful come? What if twenty show up? Have a plan for both.
• Make it joyous. A beautiful liturgy, gorgeous decorations, great cake, a touch of humor. The event should feel like a celebration, because it is one.

The liturgy

The full annotated liturgy from our 2023 ceremony is available as a downloadable document — download it here. The annotations explain the choices we made along the way. If you’re viewing it in Microsoft Word, make sure “Show comments” is enabled on the Review tab to display the annotations.

The service opened with a responsorial gathering and moved through a collect, lessons from Song of Solomon and John 15, a sermon, and the witnessing of vows — couples facing the people, the assembly pledging to uphold and honor them. It closed with prayers, a blessing, and the peace.

Questions? Reach Andee Zetterbaum at azetterb@aol.com.